Date: 2-SEP-1996 11:51:03.21 From: ROCK::MUELLER "Rob {x6160} If it ain't broke, I ain't worked on it yet. 02-Sep-1996 1138" Subj: Pig Roast '96 (message #5) To: @PIG96 OK, Pig Roast '96 fans. We're less than one week away. Probably only five days away by the time you read this. Over the next few days, I'll be sending lots of mail about Pig Roast '96. I'll reveal all of the details by Thursday. In the mean time, it is imperative that you read my mail over the next few days, because there may be things in there that are very important. Undoubtedly, we'll need to gather some things (bug lights, tables, chairs, outdoor lights, etc.), and we're counting on you ... yes YOU ... to help us out. I apologize for all of the mail, but it is necessary to create the event that we've all come to know and love ... the usually-annual-but-not-always Pig Roast. I and the rest of the Pig Roast '96 staff thank you for your understanding. In the mean time, here is the last non-essential piece of mail about Pig Roast '96: Help stomp out stupidity. Slap an idiot up-side the head. ########################################################## OK, this is the stupid mail. This is where I get to rant and rave about how stupid everyone else is and how much it ticks me off. If you want to get up on your soap box and rant and rave about something, we can arrange to have Pig Roast '97 at your house. Here's my short list of stupid things and how I feel about them. Believe me, you don't want to read the long list, but if you come over the night before Pig Roast '96, we can talk about it all night long ... while roasting the pig. 1. Drivers. Sometimes I think that I'm the only sane driver on the face of the planet. It used to be the only thing you had to worry about was not getting your car door dinged in the parking lot of the A&P. Not anymore. Now, you've got drivers wielding cellular phones while reading the morning paper, having a cup of double mocha decaf, and shaving in the rear-view mirror. What is that all about? How many people have to die before we DO something about this? If you're not up against one of those types, you're likely to be followed by someone who thinks that it's their god given duty to stay within microns of your rear bumper. They're really just looking out for you. Really, they are! They want to be sure that some other idiot doesn't get behind you. They're not as good a driver as the idiot who is currently behind you. 2. Rotaries. CARS IN THE ROTARY HAVE THE RIGHT OF WAY. I know a lot of you are saying, "yeah, but it used to be the other way around." My response is, "Get a life. Know the rules. Learn your physics. The guy who thought of rotaries was a moron. The guy who though up the first rule of rotaries was an even bigger moron." You can't keep packing cars into the rotary. Some of them have to get out. I think this is called the Heisenberg Principle: No two objects can occupy the same space at the same time. Some people need to learn this lesson the hard way. The next time you're in a rotary, just step on the gas and go for the exit. If you hit an idiot, they've just learned a valuable lesson. Oh, and the lawyers will love you. 3. Cheesbag Lawyers. I don't have a problem with lawyers in general. In fact, I know lawyers are good for some things. My blood boils, however, whenever I hear about someone who spilled a hot cup of coffee on themselves (note that the person in question, spilled it him/herself) and then managed to get a $100 million settlement. Is this not stupid? Hey, people, coffee is normally HOT. Don't spill it on yourself. I think that should suffice as a warning to anyone ... as long as they speak English. 4. Criminals. Thank god most criminals are stupid. Take, for example, the story of the burglar, who hopped a wall to escape the police and found himself in the county prison. Or, the burglar who tried to escape police by fleeing into the woods. One problem. He was wearing those stupid sneakers with the little lights on the back. Not exactly the sharpest knife in the drawer if you know what I mean. 5. Politicians. Just once, I'd like to meet a politician who would vote the way his people wanted and not what some lobbyist wants. I mean, who do these politicians work for? The public, right? Wrong! They get way more money via sleazy, under-the-table, seemingly illegal yet somehow legal, deals with sleazy, under-handed, seemingly moronic lobbyists. So, they must work for these sleazy, underhanded, moronic lobbyists and not the public. It's amazing that groups like EXXON, Philip Morris, and the NRA run this country. And, speaking of the NRA ... 6. The NRA! The NRA isn't completely stupid. I just believe that they go a bit too far sometimes. I think personal armament is OK. I just don't think that we all need automatic weapons on the mantle and under the kitchen cabinet. How many REAL hunters would feel good about getting a kill with an Uzi? There probably wouldn't be much left of the little fowl or deer if you planted several hundred rounds in it. You'd be eating more lead than meat. If hunting is supposed to be a sport, shouldn't there be some precision in it? Something that the sportsman/woman could work on to improve and be proud of when he/she gets better? An Uzi does not give you precision and I would not be very impressed by someone who could take down a deer with only 100 rounds from their little weapon. That concludes the short list. All of this was purely for the reader's entertainment. It is simply my way of hyping up Pig Roast '96. It usually works. If you harass people enough, they eventually break down and do what you want ... sounds like politics, doesn't it? Well, I guess I have to reveal something about Pig Roast '96 in this message, don't I? OK, here it is: Pig Roast '96 will be in Hudson, MA. The exact location will be revealed later. All good things come to those that wait. See you at Pig Roast '96, Rob and the rest of the Pig Roast '96 committee. Standard Disclaimer: If you're sitting there, asking yourself, who the heck is sending me this stupid mail about some stupid party that I wouldn't be caught dead at, well, just ask around ... I'm sure someone you work with has attended a Pig Roast in the past. They'll tell you how much fun it is and how you should NOT miss it for anything in the world. This is a family event, so those of you with children (any age), need not dismiss this party right from the start. If you *STILL* don't care about our Pig Roast, and want to be removed from this distributioin list, please just reply to me and let me know. I appologize to those who's time I have wasted. This function is NOT sanctioned by Digital Equipment Corporation, it's affiliates, lawyers, doctors, sales persons, bankers, engineers, vice presidents, president, CEO, board of directors, or the Digital Credit Union in any way. Any resemplance to past Pig Roasts is absolutely intentional (hey, they were a lot of fun, right?) and not at all fictional. See your dealer for details. Your mileage may vary. Offer good while supplies last. I did not, intentionally, leave anyone off the master distribution list. I appologize to those that were omitted. If you know of anyone to be added, please have them send me email at ROCK::MUELLER or mueller@rock.enet.dec.com. For those of you who have not been to a Pig Roast in the past, and want to learn more, check out the Pig Roast '94 home page: http://segflt.hlo.dec.com/~mueller/pig/pigroast_94.html [Sorry, this is internal to Digital Only!] This page contains a post mortem of Pig Roast '94 as well as some interesting facts like: 160 lbs [minus head, bones, fat, etc ...] of Pig were consumed in about 1.5 hours. It took over 18 hours and about 3/4 cord of wood to cook the Pig. The Pig Roast '96 Home Page is coming soon! Really, I swear it is. I'll have it ready before Pig Roast '96.